Because you suck. Negative Reinforcement Coaching Services LLC
Negacoach turns lucky 13! Thirteen wondrous years of reducing cycling suckage.
No Athlete's Bill of Rights
No Phony Encouragement
No Power Trap Crap
Nega-Coach knows that while you may be weak and stupid, you still want value. We are better than the rest, so of course we COULD charge a lot more. Of course you would gladly pay, because we are worth it. But to celebrate our 13th year, for 2019, you can be a Nega-Coach athlete for just a $19 initial consultation, and $19/month after that. This is all you pay for the entire Nega-Coach program, including a scathing critique of your current situation and how you got there, a simple plan to get your pathetic ass in shape, and much, much more. Act now and we will include humiliating heckling from the sidelines at two races for no extra charge! What are you waiting for? Do you want to suck forever? Offer is limited, act now!
|What is Nega-Coach? These days it seems like everyone who has ever ridden a bike, been to a seminar, and can spell "internet" has hung a shingle out on the web declaring themselves a cycling coach. If you can write monthly checks for about $175 each, then you can have one-on-one, personal email consultations with any number of self-proclaimed cycling experts. At davefoley.com, we don't like to miss opportunities to make a quick, easy buck, so up on the bandwagon we go! Nega-Coach is born! Why Nega-Coach? One of the keys to business success is differentiation from your competitors. At Nega-Coach, we researched the online coaching marketplace thoroughly, analyzing the offering's strengths and weaknesses. One thing quickly became apparent: all online coaching entities are the same! Just like porn sites, if you have seen one, you have seen them all! It is not our style to simply follow the herd and copy what others are doing. Furthermore, we realized that not only are all the services the same, but they are all wrong! Nega-Coach - A fresh approach. Our program is based on three fundamentals: Exercise, Diet, and Ridicule, each personalized to help you reach your potential. We don't ask you what your goals are, we tell you! Why pay to have someone ask you questions and make you think? If you could think for yourself, you wouldn't be hiring a coach at all, would you? I can tell you're confused already. At Nega-Coach, you will not need to do any thinking. Our proprietary techniques will draw out the best in you solely through emotional torment, humiliation, and harsh criticism. If you want cookie-cutter training programs, supportive consuling, coddling, nurturing, and respect, you've come to the wrong place. If you want to get strong, get tough, and kick some ass out on the road, then get out that checkbook and make out a fat one to Nega-Coach!||
You've had a great childhood, time in college, marriage, and career. You've got family, friends, and fortune. You've really got it all. Only problem is, you're still a piece of shit. Nega-Coach can show you how little you've really achieved, and how much you suck at the things in life that really matter, like winning primes in industrial park criteriums, or staying with the group on the Tuesday night ride. Nega-Coach was created for scrubs like you, the ones who can afford to pay. So what's it going to be, another donut and a new carbon frame, or success with Nega-Coach?
Perhaps no group needs Nega-Coaching more than juniors. Years of dumbed-down schooling, oversupportive parents, and "My child was student of the month at Pussyfelt Middle School" bumper stickers have destroyed any sense of reality a young athlete might have. Nega-Coach will set these little maggots straight in a hurry.
Nega-Coach services are now available with special adjustments for those born between 1981-1996. Because just like your mothers told you, you're special. Very special. And we know that despite record low income taxes, rock-bottom interest rates, and free rent in Mom's basement, you're all too burdened by student loans from that sweet Mesopotamian Studies degree to pay market rate for coaching services. Besides, you're all so much fun to be around, I should be paying you right? Negacoach will show you how to navigate your way to the finish line in that big scary twenty-seven rider Cat 4 field, earning you those participation medals you so richly deserve! Be sure to bring your #mom, she'll be so proud!
"Nega-Coaching is like tough love, without the love."
"Thanks to Nega-Coach, I can close a 10-second gap."
"Nega-Coach made me wish I was dead."
"That Nega-Coach is a bad mutha..."
"Shut your mouth!"
Check out these before and after photos of a Nega-Coach athlete racing cyclocross. Clearly you can see that after just 26 short years of Nega-Coaching, the suckage has been greatly reduced.